The Pub

The Curse of Love

There are things in this life that we are not supposed to envy.  Things that in theory are vices but in practice are practical, things like deception and manipulation.  Mine, recently, has been the ability to blow people off.  To be able to move in and out of relationships without even a glimpse of regret or emotional hangover has been my wolf in sheep's clothing.  I am not someone who takes relationships lightly.  When I decide to care, to protect, to love, I do it with abandon.  It is not because I have a motto I choose to live by or because my family is that way.  It is compulsive.  My life is driven by it.  I haven't learned to deal with it yet and sometimes it comes off wrong.  All the same, it is real and I live with it everyday.  It is unfortunate that there is another side commensurate with its opposite.  So if I am to love deeply, then it will mean that I will hurt greatly at the loss of love.  But it is in the midst of hurt, hurt that drives to depths of my being, that I wish I was not this way.  I wish I could move on and forget that I was hurt.  I wish I was stronger in that way.  But if that was the case I would could not make love last.  I could not live the kind of life that I day dream about. But there are times, however, that I need to rest and I need the memories to disconnect.  These are the times I am envious of things I should not be.  These are the times that my weakness gets the best of me. 

 

Dazed

The day or two after an outpouring of emotion are almost like walking through a dream.  The build-up of anxiety, frustration, despair, and anger over the last week culminated in a waterfall of heartache streaming down my face last night.  It felt so good to let it go.  I hate holding things in and I wish that I knew how to cry more often.  But after something like that I have no idea what to do the next few days but just let it settle.  Let the reality of this newness find its way into my existence and just be.  Things will be okay.  Life will move on.  It always does and even though I rage against it, I am happy that it brings me along with it. 

Finished

Its done. 

Rushing into Life

Its amazing how quickly someone can become part of our lives.  Spend a couple of months with someone and next thing you know you are used to them being around and even the little things start to become common place.  I don't mean this in a bad way.  Humans like anything things else do better with familiarity and steadiness.  So when part of your everyday life is abruptly halted by death or break-up or whatever then life just doesn't seem the same.  Even if someone doesn't die we still go through the same mourning process because in a very real way part of our lives are dead.  This becomes especially hard when it was something that we truly took pleasure in.  Perhaps this is why I am angry today.  I'm not angry at anyone in particular just angry that part of my life that I took great pleasure in has been taken away, again.  The relational part of my life is one that I take great pleasure in.  I always have.  I'm not sure why.  Some people love their careers and some love their hobbies but I love my relationships.  My friendships, my family and especially my romantic relationships have always been my existential life blood.  But this is a dangerous way to live.  Because when it comes to people, when you love greatly it is almost certain that you will, at some point, lose greatly. 

Numb

Today has left me so numb.  I can't feel anything tonight.  It's something like sadness or loneliness but more like hitting the ground after falling down the steps.  Your just shocked and numb.  You are alive, but you don't feel anything your world just came down on you and you hit every step on the way down.  You know that it will hurt later and you will need time to heel and you will need someone to help you.  But now you are numb.  Now you are empty.  Now, right now, you want your world to stop turning around.  I am tired tonight.  I am physically tired.  I am also tired of uncontrollably putting myself on the line in places that I am not wanted or understood.  It is like an addiction and like addictions, it has left me numb. 

My "Friend"

This word has been a point of contention in my mind recently. I am a firm believer that we are lucky indeed if we find more than one person in this world that we can call friend, in the deepest since of the word friend. This kind of friend would lay down in front of a car for you. This kind of friend would stick by your side and defend you even if you are wrong. This kind of friend fights it out with you and calls you the next day because you are like family and neither of you would let a fight break that apart. This kind of friend can walk into your house without asking and will always answer your call. This kind of friend would never cast you aside when they met a girl, even a girl they were crazy about. This kind of friend is so very rare. 

 As I live my life I have come across many faux friends that would like you to think that they have these characteristics, but the truth is that there is always something more important to them and if that thing comes along then you will become nothing more than a name to them. They may even be there for you on the big stuff. But they could care less about the small things, the things that bind you to each other. 

 But the vast majority of people aren’t even this decent. The vast majority of people that I have encountered don’t have the slightest idea of what common sense is. They don’t understand that relationship takes work and effort from both people and that you can’t just call someone a friend because you know there name and spent time together once. If that is what friendship is then you can keep every fucking piece of it! I don’t need superficial sentiment and insincere greetings. I have taken too much of it recently and I won’t be around it anymore. I am done with all of you who would be a friend like this. 

 I have come to find that I value loyalty more than most anything else in this world. I have also come to realize that finding it is rare, and is something to be treasured. I hope all of you are so blessed as to find it here, in this world. 

"That" feeling

You know that feeling?  The one that makes you think that everything in your life is falling apart when there is really no discernable thing wrong.  It comes from nowhere and sometimes returns as quickly as it came and sometimes it stays for weeks and makes everyone around you concerned.  "Are you okay?" "Is there something wrong?"  "You seem so down lately?"  and you really feel that way but its embarassing because the only excuse you can give is, "because".  Well, if you can't tell the last few posts have been a result of this feeling and I still can't seem to shake it.  But there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I have some great people that are there for me when I need them and it makes me hopeful.  Perhaps I even feel a little hopeful today. 

Holy [email protected]#*!!!!!

I spent the last two hours filling out a personality profile on eharmony.  I finally finished and sat in anticipation of the matches and potential "soul mates" that awaited me.  Then, to my dismay, I was told that based on my answers they were unable to match me with anyone.  Not just that they were unable to now but that they couldn't ever help me!  That is definitely the most depressing thing I've heard all day.  I should probably blow this off and I probably will tomorrow as a new day arises.  But right now it strikes me as a sad reminder that my life and the word 'harmony' cannot yet coexist in my world.  Oh well, the sun will rise and I will make it through another day tomorrow.  Though I am getting a little sick of always looking forward to tomorrow. 

Chip-n-Sick

I came to OKC for a class on Canine care.  Last night was ladies night at the club next door and who can pass up 25 cent beers.  So we go and part of ladies night is having some beefed up gorilla named Julio come and do some kind of awkward gyrating around a poorly lit stage for the ladies pleasure.  Luckily this was over soon enough and the dance floor opened up and I got my groove on.  Which for all of you that don't know, I do pretty well.  But it never ceases to amaze me how incredibly terrible most people are at dancing.  The smart ones will only move a little bit from side to side but there is always some poor brave uncoordinated soul who, in a moment of confused inspiration, decides to break out the latest dance move that ends up looking more like an epileptic seizure than dancing.  Now I don't think it is a good thing for people to obsess over what they look like in the mirror.  But for people who are seriously trying to pull off a dance move, it might be a good idea to try it in the mirror once or a hundred times before pulling it out in the spotlight.  What gets me more than that is that people just don't seem to be able to move with each other.  It is just rare to see a couple moving on the dance floor together, as one, regardless of the music.  I perhaps think this is tragic because I see "god" as a sort of divine dance.  Dwelling in everything rhythmic and beautiful as though she were smiling at us through it.  Seeing people that can't feel each others spirit or move in unison or see each other through any other lenses except their own selfish, greedy, and base ones they have either refused to take off or worn beacuase they have not known that there are other, more noble, lenses out there, truly grinds against my mind.  This along with the confrontational stares, apprehension, and arrogance that you can cut with a knife are the reasons that I am losing my taste for the "go-out-and-party" scene.  Perhaps I am growing up, perhaps not. 

To Breathe Again

I noticed yesterday that everything I do I do desparately.  I drive like the end of the world depends on it.  I eat, most of the time, like I'm starving and someone is going to take it from me.  When I hang out with my friends I I want the world to move and am disappointed if it does not.  When I kiss I want to hold on forever, afraid that a moment like that will never come again.  I rush from place to place and my mind is always a mile ahead of where I am. 

I feel like I was just born yesterday and today I've lived a third of my life.  I've been so concerned with making things happen that I don't stop to love and savor the things that are happening.  I will be old one day and will look back and wonder where it all went. 

I suppose I think that one day, one moment, one event will change my world around and the whirlwind will stop and only beauty will be left.  I have, perhaps, read too many books or seen too many movies.  Maybe today should be that day.  Maybe I should seize opportunity as it comes but love my life now.  Live my life now.  Let my soul be filled by the world around me.  Maybe then this feeling of loneliness and alienation from this life will pass.  Perhaps then I will learn to breathe again.