The Pub

Dazed

The day or two after an outpouring of emotion are almost like walking through a dream.  The build-up of anxiety, frustration, despair, and anger over the last week culminated in a waterfall of heartache streaming down my face last night.  It felt so good to let it go.  I hate holding things in and I wish that I knew how to cry more often.  But after something like that I have no idea what to do the next few days but just let it settle.  Let the reality of this newness find its way into my existence and just be.  Things will be okay.  Life will move on.  It always does and even though I rage against it, I am happy that it brings me along with it. 

Finished

Its done. 

Wishing

I still miss you.  But today I am sad because I thought I was done with the dating game.  I thought I was done getting passed all the superficiality and sifting through people trying to find someone that you can understand and love.  I thought I had found that in you.  Just thinking of having to do it again makes me tired.  I am too emotionally spent right now to start over.  I wish you had given us more of a chance and wish you will give me another.  I refuse to believe that someone can go from loving someone deeply and knowing they wanted to be with them to the complete opposite only 24 hours later.  I don't know why you won't call, or write, or anything except keep silent toward me.  This is crazy!  I miss you today.  I miss dancing with you especially.  That was one of my favorites parts about us.  That we loved to dance with each other. 

Rushing into Life

Its amazing how quickly someone can become part of our lives.  Spend a couple of months with someone and next thing you know you are used to them being around and even the little things start to become common place.  I don't mean this in a bad way.  Humans like anything things else do better with familiarity and steadiness.  So when part of your everyday life is abruptly halted by death or break-up or whatever then life just doesn't seem the same.  Even if someone doesn't die we still go through the same mourning process because in a very real way part of our lives are dead.  This becomes especially hard when it was something that we truly took pleasure in.  Perhaps this is why I am angry today.  I'm not angry at anyone in particular just angry that part of my life that I took great pleasure in has been taken away, again.  The relational part of my life is one that I take great pleasure in.  I always have.  I'm not sure why.  Some people love their careers and some love their hobbies but I love my relationships.  My friendships, my family and especially my romantic relationships have always been my existential life blood.  But this is a dangerous way to live.  Because when it comes to people, when you love greatly it is almost certain that you will, at some point, lose greatly. 

Love Letter pt. 4

Today was easier.  It was such a relief.  Carrying around the weight of unrequited love is an awful burden.  I still thought of you a lot today.  I never heard back from you yesterday.  I don't know why.  But I will give you time.  I will give you time because it means so much to me.  I still miss you. 

Love Letter pt. 3

Today was not any easier.  I wanted to talk to you badly.  Your things are still here and I can't walk in a room without seeing something that is yours.  I want you to be here.

You told me that you wanted to straighten things out.  You wanted to find how you were going to make a dent in this world.  I wish that I knew that.  I've spent a few more years on this earth than you and I still don't know.  If I'm waiting till you figure that out I fear that I might wait forever.  But I want you to be happy. 

I sent you a text tonight.  I hope that is okay.  I just wanted you to know that I still think of you. 

Scout got her second round of shots today.  She also crapped on the floor at Southern Ag.  She has gained 3 pounds in the last 2 weeks. She is growing up. 

I miss you

Love Letter Pt. 2

I've tried to keep my mind off of you today.  I find that when I'm actively involved in something that I can manage to forget, for a moment, that I miss you so much.  I feel silly because it has only been a couple of days.  But its not so much the fact that I haven't seen you in two days but more that these two days could be the first two days of a lifetime without you. 

I wish that you had done something to piss me off.  But you didn't.  So I still hold you close to my heart.  Which is the hardest part because I have no idea what to do.  How long do I wait for you?  How long do I wait to talk to you?  What is okay to say when I do?  I know that you are confused, so am I.  But it is good for me to learn patients.  It is good for me to struggle to learn to be at peace with the way that things are. 

I'm watching our (or what was our) dog chase her tail.  She is so smart.  She reminds me of you.  She is starting to understand her name and I can tell that she really wants to be a good dog.  She is just still young and trying to figure me out.  But her companionship has been a godsend today. 

I guess I will continue to wait.  I will wait to hear from you.  I will wait to contact you.  I will wait and hope.  Hope that you might invite me to share life with you again.  But today was hard.  I suppose it will get easier with time. 

Love Letter

What is the point of writing a love letter that may never be read?  My only answer to this is that I have to let it out.  I can't sit here living out even a single day holding in my love.  It builds up in my chest and wells up behind my eyes and I feel like I'm fighting back tears every moment.  So if I can not love you openly then I will love you in secret.  I will love you when and where I can.

We aren't "together" anymore.  You decided this last night.  I wanted to stay together but you were confused and scared and need time to find your way.  I can't be mad at you for that.  We all have to find our way somehow and you are doing it the best way that you can.  I just wish it hadn't gotten to this point.  I wish I was more like you and that I could just let things be instead of forcing things to happen.  Then we would still be happy.  But I was greedy and wanted too much too soon.  I hate that I have done anything but make you happy because that is all that I wanted.  You make me happy.  Seeing your face makes me happy.  Touching you, hearing your voice, and most of all kissing you make me happy.  I have never been so contented that I can remember.  I was finally done looking and it felt so wonderful, so peaceful.  Even the idea of searching again makes me recoil.  I don't want someone else.  I chose to love you and it is you that I want.  But I know that if I try and force things again I will only end up making things worse.  So I will wait.. . and hope.  Hope that you will pick me.  Hope that my love won't always go unrequieted.  I love you, I miss you today.