The things we do to ourselves

I sometimes believe that there is some kind karma in this world.  That the bad decisions you have made are, in a sense, building up to bite you right square in the ass.  This is troubling to me in particular because I have made a lot of choices that I wish I could take back and I think they are starting to show their ugly heads. 

I often times feel very alone.  Loneliness that buries itself right in your chest and makes it hard to breathe.  Then along will come some great girl.  I'll love hanging out with her and I feel as though I can breathe again.  Then, out of nowhere, I get this uncontrollable fear of commitment.  It makes me uncomfortable and I push them away so they don't hurt me.  I recently did this again and tried to remedy the situation by opening myself up to her.  Only to run into an emotional brick wall.  She had already shut me out and I just sat there on the phone feeling like a pitiful dog standing in a rain storm.

I blame myself.  I know that my circumstances are not completely my fault but there are so many decisions I wish I could take back.  I would do so many things differently.  I would choose happiness.  That's what people really want anyway isn't it?  To be happy.

Comments

[Laura]

The reason the world seems so karmic is that people give up. They do some bad things, get some bad things in return and decide that life must be cyclic instead of linear. You are moving forward. If the scenery looks the same to us, it's because we've painted it that way so it'll look like the places we've already been. Predictability is a safe place even if things are predictably awful. Explore the possibility you can atone for past mistakes and you can choose happiness in the future. Of course that's just me and I could be wrong.

[take_my_simplicity]

agreed.