The Pub

Tasting You.

I can still smell you on my hands and taste you on my lips.  I hope you never forget that tonight, to me, you are like the ecstasy and hope that morning brings. 

Chip-n-Sick

I came to OKC for a class on Canine care.  Last night was ladies night at the club next door and who can pass up 25 cent beers.  So we go and part of ladies night is having some beefed up gorilla named Julio come and do some kind of awkward gyrating around a poorly lit stage for the ladies pleasure.  Luckily this was over soon enough and the dance floor opened up and I got my groove on.  Which for all of you that don't know, I do pretty well.  But it never ceases to amaze me how incredibly terrible most people are at dancing.  The smart ones will only move a little bit from side to side but there is always some poor brave uncoordinated soul who, in a moment of confused inspiration, decides to break out the latest dance move that ends up looking more like an epileptic seizure than dancing.  Now I don't think it is a good thing for people to obsess over what they look like in the mirror.  But for people who are seriously trying to pull off a dance move, it might be a good idea to try it in the mirror once or a hundred times before pulling it out in the spotlight.  What gets me more than that is that people just don't seem to be able to move with each other.  It is just rare to see a couple moving on the dance floor together, as one, regardless of the music.  I perhaps think this is tragic because I see "god" as a sort of divine dance.  Dwelling in everything rhythmic and beautiful as though she were smiling at us through it.  Seeing people that can't feel each others spirit or move in unison or see each other through any other lenses except their own selfish, greedy, and base ones they have either refused to take off or worn beacuase they have not known that there are other, more noble, lenses out there, truly grinds against my mind.  This along with the confrontational stares, apprehension, and arrogance that you can cut with a knife are the reasons that I am losing my taste for the "go-out-and-party" scene.  Perhaps I am growing up, perhaps not. 

To Breathe Again

I noticed yesterday that everything I do I do desparately.  I drive like the end of the world depends on it.  I eat, most of the time, like I'm starving and someone is going to take it from me.  When I hang out with my friends I I want the world to move and am disappointed if it does not.  When I kiss I want to hold on forever, afraid that a moment like that will never come again.  I rush from place to place and my mind is always a mile ahead of where I am. 

I feel like I was just born yesterday and today I've lived a third of my life.  I've been so concerned with making things happen that I don't stop to love and savor the things that are happening.  I will be old one day and will look back and wonder where it all went. 

I suppose I think that one day, one moment, one event will change my world around and the whirlwind will stop and only beauty will be left.  I have, perhaps, read too many books or seen too many movies.  Maybe today should be that day.  Maybe I should seize opportunity as it comes but love my life now.  Live my life now.  Let my soul be filled by the world around me.  Maybe then this feeling of loneliness and alienation from this life will pass.  Perhaps then I will learn to breathe again.

The things we do to ourselves

I sometimes believe that there is some kind karma in this world.  That the bad decisions you have made are, in a sense, building up to bite you right square in the ass.  This is troubling to me in particular because I have made a lot of choices that I wish I could take back and I think they are starting to show their ugly heads. 

I often times feel very alone.  Loneliness that buries itself right in your chest and makes it hard to breathe.  Then along will come some great girl.  I'll love hanging out with her and I feel as though I can breathe again.  Then, out of nowhere, I get this uncontrollable fear of commitment.  It makes me uncomfortable and I push them away so they don't hurt me.  I recently did this again and tried to remedy the situation by opening myself up to her.  Only to run into an emotional brick wall.  She had already shut me out and I just sat there on the phone feeling like a pitiful dog standing in a rain storm.

I blame myself.  I know that my circumstances are not completely my fault but there are so many decisions I wish I could take back.  I would do so many things differently.  I would choose happiness.  That's what people really want anyway isn't it?  To be happy.