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So I finally got a picture of myself up. It's not very clear but I took it the other day standing in front of our Rescue apparatus.
Also, it's looking like I am going to be able to go to Blogvention. I don't get vacation for a year but I think I can have someone trade time with me. Wooohoo! I'm really looking forward to it.
That's it for now.
Peace.
I know this is typically my Friday routine but I didn't have a lot to say about anything but a little to say about a few things. So here it goes:
- My last post was a very very rough draft of a song I'm working on in the folky hip-hop style of Lauren Hill's live cd.
- Fire Academy is good. It hasn't landed me any good dates yet (at least two bad ones though). I am however doing an eight minute dating fundraiser for MDA. Firefighters go for free but other guys, and now about 60 women, have to pay to go. Maybe eight minutes is all I need to find the girl of my dreams, or maybe it will just be incredibly awkward. Either way, I'm sure it will make a good story.
- I went to the doctor and was left in the exam room for two hours. Why? Because I wasn't paying attention and even slept for about an hour. Then the doctor comes in and talks on his phone for about ten minutes. Then, he tries to tell me that if I pray and read my bible that I will find peace in my life where I previously found anxiety. I could have killed that motherfucker about then. But....
- I had went to the doctor to get on some anti-depressants. He pretty much didn't know the first damn thing about the different drugs but gave me a prescription for some that I was on before. I'll probably get some more advise from a Psychiatrist but I am starting down the road of trying to be mentally healthy, or even consistent would work for now. No big changes yet, but I do get drunk very easily on the stuff. That can't be a bad thing.
That is all for now. I hope that you all are well. Much love.
Joyful! Joyful! We adore thee.
But these trite metaphors don't do shit for me.
Especially when I can see
Peoples lives destroyed by poverty
The money man with the capitol gains
Institution and Corruptions are one and the same.
Gas prices soar because the market won't bear it.
But we went to war for oil fields so if the shoe fits WEAR IT!
This shit is crazy! Where is the love and charity?
The pastor man smiles in service but hates you secretly.
"Get the Hell out of my church. How dare you worship differently.
"This is MY house, MY church, I'm running the show.
So sit your ass down, and stay off the front row
Because that's where my family and the politicians go.
And OH YEAH! Jesus loves you. I just thought you should know".
So what do we do? Do we fight or just cry?
Either way its certain that our faith will die.
When we realize its not faith at all but a big fucking lie
And things will never change, no matter what I try.
We have a lot of shit. I mean things. There are basic needs in life like food, shelter, social interaction, and clothing. But DAMN have we gone overboard. The kicker is that we don't really even have the time to keep up with all of our shit. For example: We want to have nice sheets for our bed. So we buy them. But what are nice sheets without a nice bed to put them on and a nice room for your nice bed. But of course your going to need a washer and dryer to clean them along with your massive wardrobe. Your also going to need a closet to put those things in and a laundry room for your utilities and cleaning supplies (which is necessary to maintain all of your house stuff). But you need walls and plumbing and electricity to power those things along with your TV, A/C, heat, stereo, new tooth brush, electric razor, incandescent lights, DVD player, surround sound, toaster, microwave, mixer, blender, crusher, refrigerator, freezer, vacuum, and ceiling fans. Plus you'll need a yard for your dog to play in which will require grass, fertilizer for your grass, a lawnmower, gasoline, weed eater, trimmer, and blower and sprinklers to keep your lawn looking nice when the rain isn't being nice to you. You'll have to upkeep all of that stuff so you'll need tools, a tool box, a shelf for your tools and shelf space. Probably in the garage so you can keep your car safe from the nasty weather. Which means you'll need insurance, tag, drivers license, gas, routine maintenance, major maintenance, and some cd's for your in dash CD player with alpine subs and clarion highs. Don't forget the pin stripes and 19 inch rims. Plus tire shine, wax, towels, sprayer, and a cloth sponge so you don't hurt your paint. Plus. . . I think your getting the point.
All of this shit is taking up all of our time to maintain and operate and slowly, but very surely, we are becoming consumers. People who live and work to buy, sell, operate, and upkeep all of our stuff. "Oh I would love to hang out with you but I have to mow my lawn and clean my house". Blaaaaah! I'm not saying I'm innocent of all this. I'm just making an observation about how ridiculous our worlds are.
I should go now because I have to read some more blogs on my computer with wireless mouse and wireless network card, power adapter and carrying case.
Life is so complicated. I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean that life is so organic and changing and mysterious that we barely have any grasp on even the very small and easy things in this world. Language, religion, fear, love, happiness, work, and even sex are some of the mysteries that we contend with everyday. I wish that I did not have to use such words to describe our experiences in life but I think that it is true. I think we contend against life instead of being shaped by it. Instead of being caught up in the beauty of the world we engage in war against it so that we can know what will happen next. Though we always end up failing, though we constantly see our efforts float into the winds of regret and disappointment, we continue to war and strive against things that are so inevitable, so natural, that to deny them is to become disingenuous to the point where we almost lose our humanity.
We are taught to be afraid. To fear those things that we do not understand instead of discovering them for ourselves. Instead of being taught to enjoy the things of this world, the things that can bring so much pleasure, so much satisfaction, so much joy, and to enjoy them properly. I was taught only to fear them. Whether it was sex or liberals or sunshine, they were all "them" and we are all huddling waiting for some imaginary savior to come and save us from the very things that were meant to hold us in ecstasy. Like a partner who is ready to hold us in rapture and be held in return and yet we are hiding, waiting for something better. As if such a thing were to even exist. It saddens me to tears to think that we have done this to each other.
I honestly believe that one of the greatest evils that we can commit against another person is to try and simplify them down to the point that we can then control them. We make them into the person we want them to be to suit the purposes that we wish them to suit. When they begin to break out of that shell then we rail against them, in our own way, to force them back into our putty boxes. We have gotten so used to doing this that we have almost lost our ability to just be with people or even to see them as people, just like us. We can't even be honest with ourselves anymore.
I am easy if I am only a stone in your building blocks of life. But if I am a vine, that is allowed to grow wild, to spread and breathe deeply the world around me, to change and think and to experience all of the diversity that being alive has to offer, then I am a nuisance. I am frowned upon by many because I am weaving my way into parts of their world that I was not recruited to fill.
I am not speaking of rebellion or a do-whatever-the-hell-I-want mentality. I just can't get over the daunting sensation that follows me around from day to day. The sensation that my entire world has been contrived. It is almost impossible for me to answer questions like, "What do you like?" or "What do you want?" anymore. Who am I? I don't think I know anymore. I have simply been trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. What I was sure others wanted me to be. I am only thinking that we, all of us, would be so much happier, so much more free, if we were to cease living our lives in fear of each other. If we could accept that we are all so very complicated. That we cannot be handled in a moment or in a thought, but only through a lifetime of understanding.
Wad up peeps?
I haven't written anything in a couple of days because things are straight up crazy town in my world. The fire dept. is working our asses off and I'm trying to actual live a life as well. Here are some things that have happened in the last couple of weeks.
- Thought my computer got stolen, ended up I left it in a parking lot and it got returned to the building firm. Got it back. Whew!
- Got strep (sp?) throat and got medicated with some Mexican penicillin and an 18 gage needle in the butt cheek.
- Got my first paycheck from my job. Nice! I'll never be rich, but I will be making enough to be happy
- I'm fully insured now! Look out world!
and plenty of other things that not everyone needs to know about. I hope that all of you are well and making it. My days have ups and downs and I'm going to try to start on some anti-depressants soon and see if that helps with a little consistency. I'm also going to try to post something that isn't about me in the next week. I'm sure all of you are tired of hearing about me, because I sure as hell am.
Be real, love y'all. Especially you wonderful ladies :)
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