There are things in this life that we are not supposed to envy. Things that in theory are vices but in practice are practical, things like deception and manipulation. Mine, recently, has been the ability to blow people off. To be able to move in and out of relationships without even a glimpse of regret or emotional hangover has been my wolf in sheep's clothing. I am not someone who takes relationships lightly. When I decide to care, to protect, to love, I do it with abandon. It is not because I have a motto I choose to live by or because my family is that way. It is compulsive. My life is driven by it. I haven't learned to deal with it yet and sometimes it comes off wrong. All the same, it is real and I live with it everyday. It is unfortunate that there is another side commensurate with its opposite. So if I am to love deeply, then it will mean that I will hurt greatly at the loss of love. But it is in the midst of hurt, hurt that drives to depths of my being, that I wish I was not this way. I wish I could move on and forget that I was hurt. I wish I was stronger in that way. But if that was the case I would could not make love last. I could not live the kind of life that I day dream about. But there are times, however, that I need to rest and I need the memories to disconnect. These are the times I am envious of things I should not be. These are the times that my weakness gets the best of me.